The Jack Bauer Guide for Beer Noobs

by Billy Broas

Note: This is the introductory post in a 5-part series called Beer Newbie Missions, a crash course in how to like beer for those just getting started.

We Need You

The terrorist threat of infecting all society with mass-produced light tasteless beer is growing greater.

Against an enemy this powerful, the beer-enlightened are forced to bring in their best weapon – Special Agent Jack Bauer.

The beer world needs saving, and Jack Bauer is calling on you to help. Even for a guy who has trained with Delta Force, SWAT, and the CIA, this job is too much for Jack to handle alone.

You’ll need to be brought up to speed on craft beer. Jack’s planned 5 missions for you to complete before you receive your ranking – Special Agent Beer Geek. Follow the missions and you’ll have the knowledge you need to join the beer-enlightened.

Good luck, and Godspeed.

Preparation Mission:

Before you start the heavy training, there is one action you need to take right now:

Clear out the junk.

Purge your fridge of anything that ends in Light, Dry, Ice, or -weiser. If it looks like this, this, or this it has to go. You get the idea.

If you’re going to be a special agent you’ll need to cut all ties to your former life as a beer novice.

Don’t worry, that empty space is about to be filled by something 1000x better…

Check in by leaving a comment down below. Whether you’re new to craft beer or a veteran, I think you’ll find this fun and informative. Who’s on board?

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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }

William March 4, 2010 at 6:36 pm

Can I just say that if you could PhotoShop your head onto Bauer’s body this would increase my enjoyment 10 fold! I’m ready for my mission, sir! The fridge is clear!

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Tim B March 4, 2010 at 7:52 pm

@William- I was looking for it!…lol

Billy, I love where this is going!

Keep it up, bro!

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Brewmaster March 4, 2010 at 8:01 pm

As my name implies, I am no noobie. However if Jack needs a helping hand, he can have both of mine.

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Pumpky Rhodes March 4, 2010 at 8:11 pm

Teach me….I’m sick of not enjoying beer….I need good shit

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Jimmie the Mum March 4, 2010 at 9:45 pm

Reporting to duty, anything for my country..

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Dr. B March 4, 2010 at 11:58 pm

Lock and Loaded…oops!

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Dave @ 30 Days at a Time March 5, 2010 at 4:01 pm

Booya! I’m in. No light beer in this fridge.

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Billy Broas March 6, 2010 at 10:19 am

All right it looks like we got some good recruits!

@William & @Tim At first I was thinking the exact same thing. Specifically, I was going to make Jack blowing up a Bud truck with a grenade launcher, but then I remembered I’m terrible with PhotoShop.

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Don March 6, 2010 at 11:32 am

I’m in Billy, but watch out for double agents! The Macro spy’s are everywhere!
.-= Don´s last blog ..Surfin’ Safari =-.

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DC March 6, 2010 at 3:16 pm

Jack Bauer doesn’t laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

Let’s instill some fear in these light beer drinkers

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Matt March 10, 2010 at 2:51 pm

Pretty sure Eisbock doesn’t cound as “Ice.” But one I’m not sure about: Is Yuengling considered junk? I scored a leftover 12-pack from a recent baby shower…

Ready to trash it if that’s what’s required in the war on terror.
.-= Matt´s last blog ..Ever make your own BBQ sauce? =-.

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Billy Broas March 12, 2010 at 7:03 pm

@Matt Yuengling is fine by me. It was my “gateway” beer and will always have a special place in my heart. I recommend you finish the 12er off after one of your marathons. With that speed, I’m counting on you to be a scout in this war and need to keep you in tip-top shape!

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Uncle Steve March 16, 2010 at 9:33 pm

My marriage could be on the line if I get rid of the Corona. I have pushed it to the back of the fridge only to be fronted by rows of great Billy Brew beers (Those you recommneded to me)

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Luc December 2, 2010 at 3:34 pm

Just found you on twitter, love your site, and ready to put my Army skills into action. Attempting to clear my fridge of Samuel Adams Winter Classics case over the next couple days.

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Billy Broas December 2, 2010 at 3:43 pm

@Luc Thanks for kind words on the site, glad you like it! This is actually one of my favorite posts as silly as it is. Good luck on your mission into good beer. Stop back in and let us know how it’s going.

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dot dot dot October 21, 2011 at 12:27 am

by clearing the fridge do you mean drink all the beer well if jack needs my help… im not old enough to buy beer im 19 anytips to get around that?

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Billy Broas October 21, 2011 at 8:39 am

Haha none that I could say publicly.

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Stew Guidry September 9, 2012 at 3:16 pm

First time reader, long time drinker. Looking for my badge for service. Hopefully this ride is much much longer than 24 hours.

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Gina September 3, 2013 at 12:36 pm

I just decided to learn to like beer earlier this summer. I’ve gone to a couple of beer fests to expand my palate (or create? bc I still do not LIKE it yet, but I’m working on it!) and figured I should learn what all these beer terms meant. That’s when I stumbled upon this site. It’s great. Can’t wait to start my mission!

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13 Bottles September 7, 2013 at 9:31 am

Done, Done, Done

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Bob T. July 30, 2014 at 2:48 am

No Dudweiser- check
No light beer of any kind- check
No Coors-check
4 bottles of Shiner Bock- hmm, drink or toss? What say ye- beer or not?

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